What to say to someone telling you they have received an ADHD diagnosis (and mean it)
First of all, please get out of your head any ideas of ADHD being a ‘craze’ a ‘fad’, ‘fashionable’ or something lots of people are, only recently, being diagnosed with. Please do not focus on this.
Yes, there may be more people being diagnosed, as there is a little more awareness, but ADHD was always there! It is not fashionable and is something that can deeply affect all aspects of your life, and your self esteem. There are, and were, many neurodivergent people that are undiagnosed and women, in particular, are massively underrepresented. These diagnoses aren’t even considered, or are completely missed.
When I use the broad term neurodivergent, this can be referring to many diagnoses or self-diagnoses, including people that are autistic, ADHD and both. As a larger term, it incorporates anyone whose brain is not ‘neurotypical’ (Neurotypical – someone with the ‘regular’ operating system, what some might refer to as ‘normal*’)
*don’t love this term and think of it more in inverted commas – what is ‘’normal’’ anyway?
Women are under-diagnosed as they are particularly good at masking, often subconsciously and, sometimes, slightly more, consciously. This means working very hard to appear ‘neurotypical’, even if you aren’t defining it as that. It is heartbreaking, that we, instinctively, know (or feel) that we can’t be our truest selves, needing to ‘keep up appearances’ in order to be more palatable.
Children with ADHD (or ADHD children) are said to hear 20,000 more negative messages from those around them – teachers, caregivers, other adults- than friends and siblings without ADHD (William W. Dodson author and psychiatrist). Imagine receiving these subliminal, and much more direct, messages and not understanding why. Children will blame themselves and internalise this negativity. It can feel incredibly isolating and overwhelming, without a place to share the intense shame you can start to take on.
The phrase
(my friends) ‘…. ‘s child does it, why can’t you?’
can feel excruciatingly painful to hear.
You notice that friends, siblings and other children you encounter don’t have this language used towards them, so you think ‘why me? What is it about me?’
And you can deal with the confusion of having no idea how to ‘solve’ the problem (and feeling you are ‘it’). You can mask and suppress, not wanting to cause ‘a fuss’ and wanting to ‘fit in’, whilst also feeling frustrated.
Women, often do not exhibit the ‘stereotypical’ symptoms of ADHD, that aren’t always expanded to cover women and girls. So, over the years, there have often been lists of ‘symptoms’ based largely on experiences with boys and men. This was neither fair, nor accurate.
Now, those working in general health care, and with children, seem to be receiving the memo (more often), but thirty years ago.. well.
There wasn’t as much publicly available information. Those speaking about their experience of being neurodivergent, and the impact on their mental health, are phenomenal.
Neurodivergent women are not at fault for all the masking they did, and can do. Girls are often great at observing and copying their peers. It could be seen as a sign of intelligence, but created because of pressure to conform. It hurts but gave, some of us, an internal level of safety, back then.
Often, so entrenched that you don’t even realise you are doing it.
Then, you reach an adult ADHD diagnosis and wonder who you are.
Masking
Unmasking, slowly, is like the layers of peeling an onion (and unmasking can bring tears and grief).
You feel you are getting to the ‘truest’ part of yourself, in the centre, and there are whole other levels for exploration. And on.. and on..
Fragments that slowly, gently, want to start dropping away. This work-in-progress can feel scary when we look back at how much we have had to try to please and pretend.
(Please do not blame the person you are speaking to, as if they did anything negative, at all, by masking. It’s not ‘dishonesty’ that has caused this, with a lifetime’s practise. None of this is their fault. The desire to be accepted is engrained in us and society is built around those with a neurotypical brain).
You could ask the person who has disclosed their diagnosis, if there is anything they would like you to know, or anything that would help support them. Leaving it open. They may not know, at this moment!
Simply listening and being there can also mean so much
Being aware
Small things, like opting for a certain set of seats when you are meeting for a coffee, or being aware of background noise, could help.
You being aware and sensing that the person you care about may be starting to feel overstimulated or overwhelmed, without making a huge deal of it, is great.
‘Do you want to go outside’ .. or *home, if something is too much?
Often, when I am around people for much of the day, I love taking ten / fifteen minutes to myself at intervals, just to sit and try to be more peaceful. To think about what I am doing next, or zone out, look at a pretty view, at a photograph that makes me smile..
Just to be re-charged.
Plug in. Plug out.
Some may find lots of human contact, or certain types, very tiring and will feel tireder than others would afterwards.
Also, they may have feelings to share, but may not know immediately! The pressure, for me, is like the discomfort of needing a wee, my bladder being full and ADHD paralysis, supergluing me to the sofa, until the very last second!
I usually feel comfortable sitting cross legged.
Not wanting to appear ‘rude’ in restaurants, coffee shops, or the homes of people I don’t know well, it felt uneasy. I would go without my comfy, soothing position, or my legs would jiggle, and I would just HAVE TO.
So, sometimes I mention it pre (or during)-cross!
‘I’m ADHD and this feels really comfortable, so I enjoy sitting like this’ .. and quick subject change.
(Unless it is a very formal occasion when I really feel I cannot, I state why, if people aren’t already aware. As if saying, I will also do this in the future.
I feel the need to apologise for it, but I’m getting there)
Sometimes certain ways of communicating would make your loved one more comfortable. Let it flow!
Anecdote:
There is nothing harder, for me, as a person with ADHD than telling someone, in casual conversation, about my diagnosis and them asking in a lovely way, ‘what are your symptoms?’ Often, it takes a while for my brain to select from, or remember, the examples I want to give. Particularly when it’s about something that means so much to me.
Answer: It impacts everything.
(I can’t ‘list symptoms’ now)
The moment I’m asked is the moment that all sensible thoughts, explanations and the many things that I find difficult, completely leave my brain! And I, then, curse myself for not giving a clear explanation!
Constant
Information, and noise, is constantly running through my head. Thoughts flow through, like a fast flowing, stormy river. It’s a busy, confusing, brain that needs to be untangled, to do the most basic of tasks. The washing-machine-whirring – thoughts, get stuck on stones or rocks. Never to be seen again, probably. I have multiple thoughts at one time and many, many strands of conversation with myself. Also a ‘you should be doing..’ (to-do list) hits every minute.
The brain has no mute
(This, intense, brain that I can’t always decipher – sometimes I don’t need, or care to decipher, as it’s within me, but fast, sometimes instinctive, often intangible- and this is all the time.)
I wonder what other people’s brains feel like.
I am not ‘lazy’
If I am struggling to do something, it is not that ‘I can’t be bothered’. It is way more intense and overpowering than that.
And, when I appear to be sitting on the couch relaxing, my brain is doing somersaults and running marathons. I promise!
I do need to try and relax. I do need lots of rest (and breaks) after high-stimulation activities, or, after most tasks really.
The washing-up can feel hard and I can lack motivation for tasks that are perceived as ‘simple’ and ‘everyday’. This frustrates me. Shaming me does not help.
I seek dopamine, and momentum, but am usually not in control over when tbese arrive.
It is common for people with, or who are, ADHD, to struggle with eating and unhealthy patterns with food.
I forget to drink
(and wonder why I have a headache)
‘Calm down’
causes such shame.
Hurt
I have sensitivities.
I care a lot, and feel deeply.
Earlier on in this piece, I wrote about the possibility of someone who is neurodivergent wanting to go *home, if overstimulated.
It would crush me if someone suggested this (unless they were coming with me, of course, as a friend or partner).
My worry would be that they were sick of me.
I want them to want to be a ‘we’, even if I want to be alone!
If I could behave instinctively, there are people I would call up to check that they like me.
(In fact, I’d text, maybe voice note, not call).
I don’t do this in reality, but it is natural to feel misunderstood, after years of not feeling seen. And insecure about whether you have annoyed somebody, after feeling you are ‘the problem’.
Don’t jump to meds, especially if that’s your all
After my diagnosis, I have had people ask immediately, and first off, ‘are you taking medication?’ Please don’t make this your lead thought and question.
It’s, as if, you are saying ‘OK great, you’re cured then’
Some may not know what to say to a person speaking about their diagnosis (or maybe they don’t want to discuss) but ADHD is not ‘cureable’, nor should you want it to be.
Medication can be a help, but validation of an experience, is a better, first response.
My brain is hectic and chaotic. But, also creative, with abstract ideas. I love expressing myself through poetry.
But, none of that negates the ADHD, which is part of me.
You cannot imply that makes it ‘okay’.
Why are you speaking on my experience and how I ‘should’ feel?
It is best not to view it through the lens of, ‘she can write and (can appear to) have a lot of energy’ (therefore, hurray) when I struggle with all aspects of life. There are positives and those are for me to state and reflect upon, without ADHD feeling minimised.
Validation is at the heart of being told, knowing
There is a grief. Coming to terms with what could have been if I’d known sooner
A person could feel ADHD takes them over.
In other words, don’t minimise a person’s struggles, but you could, later, genuinely. celebrate the beauty in their marvellous brain, if you all so-wish! (on an individual basis, as they come to terms with feelings surrounding their diagnosis).
Self-diagnosis is very valid.
A person who has seen a psychiatrist for an assessment, has usually gone through a lot to get there, not only in life, but with GP *appointments, different stages of the assessment process and, if through the NHS, with waiting lists. There can be a huge sense of relief and a feeling of
‘it wasn’t my fault. I blamed myself’
Opening up can also feel hard, but like a dam that needed bursting.
(*in the UK)
Lastly, everyone’s ADHD experience is different. There are no hard and fast rules.
Someone caring enough to do research, or even read my daft words, hopefully wants to understand the person in their life, before a conversation (or after, during, an ongoing one).
This interest is beautiful. And wonderful.
Over time, the ADHDer you love might tell you how different tasks and days feel for them. It can change, day to day. This may also be a process of evolution (and possibly, education and community) for them.
They don’t want to feel like a problem.
But seen.
….
#tarastarpoetry
Creativity is not a one – time thing
It grows
A bare tree branch, that looked like a vine..
Sweet canopy, robbed
Ideas reaching
like a vine
A grape cluster with
empty tentacles
They were succulent
The future still gets the nod
Just because one idea
left you chasing the rose
The universe still flows
through our ventricles
Shoots and fruits
snatched and ready to peel
In a forever state of
Can go
…
tara star poetry
The ‘one day’ of it all
Trying to persuade people you should never have to, that you are a ‘nice’ or ‘good’ person
What an, understandable, but pointless, endeavour
If they wanted to see you – they would
They’d see all the weird and wonderful, ever – changing, joyous and deeply sad, truest (and ‘not as nice’) parts of your soul.
And all would be welcome
…
highly sensitive human
@ taratalksthoughts
@ tarastarpoetry on insta
Someone looks emotional at something I say about my feelings, my instinct would be
‘Do they have allergies?’
(tik tok)
feelings, Taylor Swift-inspired poetry (her lyrics are beyond sublime and poetic), people pleasing, ADHD, neurodivergence, TaraStarpoetry
Image credits: Canva
self-doubt, shame
…
Words written based around ‘Tolerate it’ by Taylor Swift and ‘blankets over barbed wire’:
Scratching my craving for my autonomy
Is my body a place I really want to live?
You tolerate me, only
But seeing that you become the burning
water
And I grow into the sieve
Is my body the place I want to live?
No question mark needed
it’s rhetorical
I stamp stars on the me that shifts.
…
#tarastar
…
Outside the box
Dancing on the box
…
Denial
Stripping it back
Laying it bare
I wonder when that moments hits, exactly
When I’m too worn down to care
…
Niggling ouch
Still masking
Trying to make it sound ‘better’
than it is
There’s no better, just different
Who has the right to define
the way we live?
Is that more masking?
Making out it’s all ok?
It doesn’t hurt
when the box is crushed down
and the fairytale’s falsehoods
won’t play
…
Stepping into yourself
and shedding layers of shame
It’s the wider world that hasn’t always
‘got it’
I want to be here at every stage
…
child parts, heart, beautiful chaos
(I am a poet and writer, from the UK, who writes about ADHD and trauma)
